Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.

I recently had the privilege of studying the classic novel, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.  I am among a majority of women who hail this story as one of their favorites. From the first time I saw the movie, and subsequently read the book, I fell in love with Lizzy and Mr. Darcy. Their story of overcoming their faults and falling in love is so beautiful and eloquently related that it is easy to see why it is a classical favorite of so many. However, upon reopening this book I came to it with a different goal in mind. I wanted to learn from it. This novel was no longer going to be only a form of entertainment, but a teacher and guide.

The title of the book tells you well enough what moral lessons are to be learned. The main theme is stated to be Pride and Prejudice. A mentor suggested to me to read this book with the objective of learning how I let my own pride and prejudices hold me back. How do they keep me from getting to where I want to be? From seeking my life's mission?

I first must define "pride" and "prejudice" and what their symptoms and then, causes, are. This will help me in identifying it in my own life.

By chapter five Austen draws our attention to a distinction between "pride" and "vanity". Mary says,

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity to what we would have others think of us."

However, there is a cascade effect with these types of emotions and opinions. When we have pride in ourselves, we are less open to anything that contradicts that good opinion. Additionally, when our good opinion of ourselves is hurt by contradiction we form prejudices. I believe this is what the scriptures refers to as "stiffneckedness". 

When I first began this reading I could easily distinguish "pride" from "vanity" but as the novel progressed it was not so cut and clear. I early made the assumption that "pride" as mentioned in the scriptures was really referring to "vanity", and this may be mostly true, but not wholly true. Pride can only be considered an amiable and desirable quality when it is planted firmly in humility and/or servitude. Such a pride is kept in check by the greater value of the former so it may not deteriorate into vanity and prejudice as quickly, and if it does turn into vanity, when checked, it is more easily reformed.

Pride that is not feeding from the good soil of humility is easy to manipulate into vanity and prejudice. The pride soon becomes blinded to any fault of its own and the prejudices mount heavily. Lizzy found this to be so when she was brought into check by Mr. Darcy's letter. She makes this statement after coming to this realization.

"Pleased with the preference of one, and offended by the neglect of the other, on the very beginning of our acquaintance, I have courted prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away where either were concerned. Till this moment I never knew myself."   

Our pride and surety in a thing keeps us from progressing. We are the best, or at least "good enough" so why seek any different? I am right, why should I search for any proof? This is a folly of many good religious folk, though a tangent which I will not succumb to today. When we stop progressing we are damned. The only way to clear a damn is to tear it down. This hurts, but a flood of realizations of what we have been blinding ourselves from will often rush forth and fill us so completely with unpleasant acknowledgments that we are not likely to form the same prejudices again, at least not so far as the event has been burned into our conscious and subconscious memories.

This type of event is typically healed with a paradigm shift. A resolve of a new and better view of the world. And some humility by knowing that you have been wrong in your judgement in the past. These types of changes can happen in a moment. Your eyes have been opened, your blockade has been dashed apart, you are free to follow the course in whichever way you choose. 

Now I must find these things in my own life. This is maybe not so difficult as dreadful. Opening myself to examination, even when not shared with others, can be an unpleasant ordeal. Firstly, I will examine my relationships, beginning with my husband, moving forward to my children, then into my extended family. I will reserve examination of my friendships for another occasion. 

As I begin to ponder my relationship with my husband I am struck by just how many of these little prejudices and prides there are in my heart. Little trifling things they may be when examined individually, but set them together and I need not a basket, but a wagon to heap them in. This is a most distressing revelation. Some of these things I may be able to amend, some may not yet be in my power or peace of mind to attend to at this moment. 

Foremost in my thoughts is my pride of details in physical labors. I pride myself in my eveness and exactness to the minute details of projects. This is not a fault if the project is my own, excepting that I very often give more time to these details than is proper; but when the project is something which I share responsibility in with my husband I have a pronounced tendency to feel his work will be inferior in detail to mine. This is a fault I recognized in myself even before the beginning of this study and have striven to rid myself of this haughtiness. It is hard though, and slow going I must admit. I do try to not consider detail imperfections as a flaw, as often times I know I am the only one who would ever see it as such, and so I am the one at fault.

I have noticed that this character flaw of mine also extends to my treatment of my children. And again, I have already began to address this issue in myself, though it is still an extensive and ongoing work-in-progress. When I am teaching my children a new task, or even assisting in a task they have completed successfully on their own innumerable time before, I feel that twinge of irritation if it is not done as I would do it or as I expect it to be done. This is a ridiculous expectation to be put on children, none of whom have even reached the age of adolescence yet. It is better for them to have praise for what was done well than to have attention draw to what was not done to my own biased standards. For, even if I say nothing to them about the state of their perfection, my actions say everything if I redo what they had so painstakingly worked on because it is not "good enough". I must let the imperfections be. They do not hurt anyone, and, as I let go of that conveyor-belt side of my personality, it becomes easier to accept the imperfections as variations of beauty which I had not previously considered. It opens new door for my understanding and perception. I can learn more, and that is always to be cherished.

The next form of vanity which has been hindering my progress is "Keeping up with the Joneses". My husband and I both fall victim to this I am afraid. We have been so proud, saying we do not succumb to this fatal financial flaw, but the proof is in the pudding. We watched each of my siblings purchase new vehicles for their families last year. Big and shiny. They all own their own businesses sustain incomes far more substantial than ours. For a few months we proudly drove our 1998 Expedition with 225,000 miles on the odometer, all time telling ourselves that we would not be so vain as to waste our money so imprudently on a luxurious vehicle. But when push came to shove and our Ford began having engine problems, even though we vowed to continually fix it until it was practically new again, we found enough reasons to sell it and purchase a brand new Nissan Titan. We didn't get the top-of-the-line model with all the gadgets, quite the opposite. We found a "deal" and bought wisely; as wisely as one can possibly be considered to have when purchasing a vehicle brand new.

I love this vehicle. I feel more secure driving it, (and for good reason, we found out when we sold the Ford that it had a bent frame and would not have survived a collision very well at all), I am not ashamed to park it in front of my house, we can now haul all the lumber we want without having to remove seats and look really silly with the suspension system completely collapsed underneath us. Alas, our pride won out. We do not want to look poor, we do not want to feel poor when driving our vehicle, but the reality may be that we are very nearly poor, we just look better poor than we did previously. 

This theme with our vehicles has been ongoing for quite some time now. We get a nice vehicle, feel ashamed that we paid so much for it and sell it for the same or at a loss. Purchase an extremely well-used vehicle and drive it until we can't stand it any longer and sell it and purchase an expensive vehicle again. Recognizing this pattern in our behavior we ventured to make a commitment this time. We deliberated before getting rid of the Ford as to whether we should purchase a more expensive vehicle that would last us a long time, or purchase another cheap vehicle that might last us a year. We decided that though a new vehicle would be a struggle financially for a time, we would commit to not have remorse about this one and keep it through all the good years of its life and fix it through the bad. Hopefully we have come to a satisfactory conclusion on this front. 

Now to address how my own vanity is preventing me from pursuing my mission. To properly explain this I must inform you as to what I believe my mission is at this time in my life and forever. The well-being, both physically and spiritually, of my children and spouse are my responsibility. Also, my mission to the world is to utilize my talents as an artist to help share my knowledge, understanding, and emotion of God's purpose for us in this life. We are on this world, as mortal men and women, to learn. We are to gain the knowledge that can only be had by the experience of the flesh. Mastering ourselves and mastering our knowledge and understanding of each other and all that was, is, and may be.

Here I have more ignorance, prejudices and preconceived notions than perhaps of pride and vanity. There are so many things about being a parent and a spouse of which I am completely ignorant. I have been voraciously trying to remedy my ignorance by observing examples of other's success and failures, reading advice and guidance, and having discussions with those others of my peers and relatives who are in the same situation as myself. I am suffering with grievances due to my ignorance in the upbringing of my eldest three children. I know my youngest two will also have maladies of character due to my incorrect biases and preconceived notions of how to parent.  

As a spouse I have already had the fortunate misfortune of finding my prejudices checked in a rather shocking manner which led me to a paradigm shift in this regard. I now respect my husband and all he does for us in a much deeper and more profound way than I ever considered there to be reason for previously. It was a hard situation for us both but I am glad I was able to have my damn removed so that the healing could begin. I am happy to say that our marriage has never been so good before as it is an this moment, but I am well aware that there is always more improvement to be had. 

My artistic ventures of my mission are held back by my fears and approbations as to their prudence in this junction of life. This, for me seems to be defined as an opposite to vanity and pride. There is a season for everything, and in this season my mission is my family. As my babies grow and I find my arms are no longer constantly occupied with loving, holding and comforting my children I will have the ability to focus once again on my art. I have a constant yearning to work on my art now, I feel like I could be learning so much and improving at this moment, but it is not to be. My pride wants me to split my attentions between my improvement of my art and my children. It is more important that I care for my children now and not have a split attention. When my children are well on their way to becoming respectable, well educated young adults I will be have want to occupy my time and attention elsewhere.

As my sister-in-law told me today, "Now that I am done having children, I need to redefine who I am." I know what I will do when I reach that point. I will still be wife and mother, but I will also be Artist.

Education by Example, Explanation, and Experience

Through these three we learn all things. We can learn through one, or any combination of two; but the lesson is burned into our soul when we employ all three.

   Many people teach these as the best ways to teach/learn, though everyone seems to refer to them differently. I have heard the "example" referred to as the following:

-Visual Learning
-Modeling/Role Models
-Studying Classics
-Patterning
-Imitation
-Mimicry

   and many others. These are all "examples" we learn by. I have heard "explanation" referred to as:

-Auditory Learning
-Discussion
-Lecture
-Stories
-Speakers
-Forum

   et cetera, et cetera. Any time we talk, or are talked to, we are learning. I have heard "experience" referred to as:

-Kinesthetic Learning
-Trials
-Hands-on Approach
-Doing
-Physical Interaction
-Experimenting

   Anytime we do something we are learning from the "experience". In all research I have done on the subject of learning, these three principles have shown themselves over and over again. Even in all the differing philosophies of schooling our children, it always has these pillars supporting the entirety of their complicated explanations and how-to's.

   I have even found these principles to hold true inside the gospel of our Lord. When Christ came to us, he taught by his example, and by his parables (or stories). Everything we choose not to learn by these we must learn through our own experiences.

Examples

"A baby's first textbook is his mother's face." Joyce Kinmont

Children and babies first learn all that they know by example. This is an obligatory form of learning. We learn through examples without any conscious effort. 

   We first model conversation to our infants when they first find their voice. They coo at us. We make and keep eye-contact with them, make facial expressions as we listen to their tinkling babble. Then, when the baby has a lull in his talk, we take the opportunity to talk back to them. We smile at them, they smile back. We laugh, they laugh. It is a precious simple thing, but the purest example we give our children. 

   As children grow, they continue to learn this way. (We even still do this as adults) We often call our kids "little spongues" in response to their ability to learn just by being around things and people. They are learning by observing the examples of everything in their world, and as they get older, their world grows larger, increasing the amount of examples, both good and bad, to learn from. 

   This is why we need to make sure our children have learned to assess right and wrong before going out into the world without the support of their parents and caregivers. This often isn't until around the age eight, the age of accountability. They are just starting to solidify these ideas in their minds, they have enough context to no longer be abstract ideas.

   Examples can also be found in books. Historical, Religious, Sci-Fi, Western, Biographies, Fantasy. You name it, there are examples to be gleaned. Just like live examples, books can contain bad examples.

   It is not possible to completely avoid bad examples, nor is that even desirable. The key is to be able to recognize and distinguish right from wrong, good from bad. When we can do this, and teach our kids this, then they can use that knowledge to help them gain a fuller understanding. We can learn as much, and often more so, from the bad as we do from the good. It is no longer sufficient to say "this is good," and "this is bad." We now get to take the conversation further. Why is it good? Why is it bad? These nuances help us to expand the breadth of the impact from our example. 

   This leads me nicely into the next aspect of education; explanation.

Explanation

When we observe something which we don't understand it requires explanation. As our children grow, every new thing requires some explanation. When our toddler's vocabulary and general understanding of the world around them is lacking, they resort to the one word that I am convinced every parent has a love/hate relationship with; why?

   This is the next natural progression from example. As children assemble their world view there are so many strange and new things to discover. If they do not receive enough input from observation they search for clarification. 

   

   This can usually be resolved in communication about the subject in question.  Discussion with a parent or mentor can be highly effective. A personal interaction helps verify understanding. We read body language and other cues that denote lingering confusion or satisfactory clarification. We can answer follow-up questions immediately and calibrate our word choices to the individual for maximum clarity.

   However, we may not always have all the answers to the questions we are asked, nor should we. It is equally important that we and our kids be capable of finding out the answers and explanations for themselves. It is irrelevant that you do not know the answer if you are sufficiently proficient at knowing where to look for the explanations. Books and other records of information are supreme medium for acquiring explanations. Essays, articles, blogposts and magazines are good resources as well. Just keep an eye on right and wrong, good and bad, when evaluating what explanations are given. Don't always be so quick to take them at face value and try to find reputable and trusted sources.

   Sometimes you can't find a satisfactory explanation and that is okay too. I hope we can enjoy and learn from the journey of the search. Sometimes we don't agree with the explanation provided and that is okay too. After all, it was this sentiment that led the boy Joseph Smith to the Sacred Grove and ask Father in heaven for guidance. It is this same sentiment that has challenged the known edges of scientific research. When we reach the edges of our understanding we can only enlarge the perimeter by continuing to find unanswered questions and refuse to let them remain ambiguous.

  Now, upon occasion, all the explaining in the world will not be sufficient to convince a person of the actuality of a subject. It is in these moments when we as humanity rely on our experience.

Experience

You can tell the small child that baking cocoa does not taste good, but often they wont be convinced until they have tried it. Other things simply wont "stick" in our minds because there is no context with which to apply the explanation to. If you tell a child, "Don't touch the iron, it's hot," they wont understand the explanation of "it's hot" if they have never experienced "hot" before. There is no context so the explanation is invalid and tossed aside as incomprehensible drivel. 

   Now they must rely on experience to fill in the gaps of understanding. They might touch the iron and find out really quickly what "hot" means; or they might follow your "Don't touch" on faith that you had a good reason to say this. If the latter course is chosen, the child is now sub-consciously, actively searching for experience in what "hot" is. He might walk on pavement in the peak of summer with no shoes on and you tell him, "Put your shoes on, the road is hot." He now has experience with "hot" and will automatically fill in the missing data to the iron conundrum. We can use our experience and apply the lessons strictly in context, or we can find other ways in which the same lesson can apply to other areas of our lives. 

   There are so many things in life which we can not learn without experiencing it. Think about the prospect of trying to explaining color to a person who has been blind their entire lives. It is impossible. Or explaining that love multiplies which each new child you bear, not divides. You can get a general idea most of the time, but unless you have experienced this first hand you can never know the power of it. Experience often goes hand-in-hand with emotions. Joy, fear, love, excitement. And without knowing one extreme do we ever appreciate the other extreme to it's fullest potential?

Putting it all together

Now, the teaching which remains with us best is completely arbitrary and is different with each individual person in their unique life experiences. It is impossible to have any formula or process to know which is ideal, as every person is different and everyone's list of acquired lessons varies dramatically. We take what is most useful at the moment and move on. However, if we learn a lesson through all three it will surely stay with us forever. See the example, hear the explanation, experience the reason. Learning in this way guarantees that the lesson wont soon be lost.

   I am not suggesting that this is the only ideal way. It would take far too long to progress in life and we would end up in various places it is hard to recover from. Ideally, any combination of two of these modes of learning will be a dramatic increase in understanding over one alone. This is why reading and then discussing good literature is so highly effective in producing well-mannered, wholesome, well educated individuals. Nuance, connection in understanding, application, all of these lessons taught in this way help us to be better people and get us to a position of understanding that allows our hearts to be more charitable to those around us. You can not give what you do not have. You need to possess a high level of understanding to be truly understanding and compassionate to your fellow man. 

     If we learn as much as we can through example and explanation, in books and other medium, then we will progress in life far faster than if we could only truly learn by experiencing the thing ourselves. This is the purpose of writing, of recording our experiences. So that we can share them with as many as possible. Verbally we share our insights with those around us. In written word our insights and lessons learned can be transmitted to any and all who make the decision to pick up the book and read.