Obey Thy Father and Thy Mother

Ca will be turning 4 years old in a few weeks. He began life as sweet tempered as one could ever hope for, but before he was a year old his slightly older cousin would hit him and take his toys so often that he began defending himself. His mannerisms quickly turned from those of self defense into bullying. More times than I dare count Ca has put his older siblings in tears, whether from chasing them about or actual physical blows. I have not known what to do about this. El and Ra are both so mild tempered that this new hoodlum attitude has completely stumped me and left me frustrated beyond words. I never spanked one of my children until him. I still don’t understand why I let myself do it, but he gets me so worked up I loose control of myself and I continue to do it because it is the only thing that has been able to stop him from his rampaging. For nearly all of these 4 years I have been in want of another way. I believe tonight I have found it.

While reading Charlotte Mason’s Original Homeschooling Series Volume 1 – Home Education, she has a section on Obedience. This is the root of my problem. Ca does not obey me. Charlotte Mason describes true obedience as doing something because it is right, not simply because mom said so.

Now, that sounds very true and lovely and all, but if I had any idea on how to accomplish this I would have done it years ago. Here she says we must cultivate in our children a Desire to obey. Again I agree, but how? You must enlist his will, gradually. You need to get his attention and ask him what it was that he did wrong, identify the problem. Then you need to ask him why he did wrong, identify the motive. Lastly, have him choose a way to do it differently that would have a more fruitful outcome. Do not become cross with him, do not yell, do not spank, and do not make him fear the punishment. Simply make it so that there is no other way. You do it the right way or not at all. As a parent you have the authority, you need to have your children believe it or there will be more heartache and argument in the future.

You must be vigilant though. A habit of obedience is only formed by an unbroken repetition of acts of obedience. It is worth the effort to have a happily obedient child. I must pray every day that I do not become lax in my duty.

This principle also applies to Ra and El. They do not openly disobey me to the same extent, but they are dilatory in their responses. Tardy, unwilling, occasional obedience is hardly better than outright disobedience. It leads to the perpetual tug of war with the kids. The endless “counting to three” where they only begin to act after two has been said and three is dangerously close to being uttered. I too, have to remember not to ask the kids to do things which I am unwilling to follow up on immediately. I need to have a clearly defined schedule so as to keep my expectations clear to the children as well as keep them from fluctuating at my whim.

There is so much to learn about parenting and life in general I do not know how people survive without reading the experiences of others on a regular basis to glean what wisdom they can find to apply to themselves. Life would be a whole lot easier if I could download all the lessons others have learned in their lives so I might not waste my time relearning those things which where so painstakingly experienced by so many generations before us.